NOW HERE’S a THING: EP 2: SONA-ANC, Biden, SA, SONA, South Africa, USA

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Nigel Henson

In the good ole Yew United States of America, the President addresses a joint sitting of both Houses, where he delivers his annual  ‘State of the Union Address.’ This legislative pinnacle is beamed the world over: observers listen to Sleepy Joe mumble and drool to polite applause: even Vladimir lends an ear, Sleepy Joe is welcome relief from the whizz and pop of Ukrainian drones buzzing around Red Square.

         Being the world’s most democratic country, South Africa follows suit: it’s President addresses a joint sitting of the National Assembly and the National Council of Provinces in Parliament. But, hold it- the National Assembly building was burned to ashes in early January 2022, reputably an act of defiance by a miscreant shouting ‘This was Christmas.’ Clearly, the yet to be convicted Zandile Christmas Mafe was no master of the Gregorian calendar: it wasn’t Christmas, but as his name was Christmas, was it Christmas? The jury is still out, much confusion still pending.

        Now…here’s a thing:

Measured Henson’s index of happiness, South Africa is the most unhappy country in the world. Everyone is unhappy; the dope dealers of the Cape flats, Point Road in Durban and the hop-heads of Hillbrow, all seek government aid, for prices of, and demand for, their product ranges which have dropped alarmingly. Those entitled to free electricity are demanding relief; Government ministers (exempt from power cuts) protest because their children’s education is being harmed by loadshedding, and their entitlement to free water should also stipulate ‘bottled’ water. Its tough at the top!

The railway workers remain hacked off because all the tracks and signalling equipment have been purloined, denying them free train travel. Citizens who have constructed shacks where the lines used to travel vent their anger on purloiners of the overhead electric cables, denying them free’  electricity. Truckers are in revolt over rampant employment of foreign nationals; truck-owners explain that foreigners are the only fuckers prepared to work.

The retail industry is alarmed that customers are an increasingly rare breed; complaints extend to every sector of the economy; those in industry- steelworkers, the packaging sector…the list goes on and on.

 Unhappiest of all, civil-servants (a massive misnomer) claim their cousins employed in municipal duties are better renumerated; workers in the National Assembly building complain that their free lunches smell of burnt carpet, and those manning the sentry boxes have a valid gripe about the quality of air in the vicinity.

And even more perplexing, the nation is perhaps the most united it has ever been. At street level, gone is the angst of history and much of the racial crap; there exists much goodwill and bonhomie amongst the South African citizenry that spans the divisions of race, creed, colour, religion, and freedom of association.

So what unites our Rainbow nation?  Universal hatred of the governing party is the most unifying factor in today’s South Africa.

The ANC appears to live in a time warp… they believe that voters will continue to vote for them for they are puppets to be wined, dined and given gratis party T shirts at every election; this behaviour, they believe, will be enough to secure them another turn in office.  The ANC delude themselves that all is kosher in the land they govern; they are so pig shit arrogant as to believe that once a law has been passed, their will, will be done, whatever the consequence.

 Safe behind the latest polls, those elected revert to type; looting, maladministering and treating citizens with a barely concealed contempt.

Then they were given a wake-up.      

        Latest polls have finally revealed their unpopularity.

Recently, I was an unseen observer of a planning conference to debate how to counter this perception at State of the Nation Address (SONA).

This meeting was vaguely chaired by the Country Club Manager, Ramaphosa (De Ruyter), South African President and the world’s leading trader in buffalo horn and pillow stuffing. Amongst those present were Gwede Mantashe (Greedy), Bheki Cele, Police Minister (the Twat in the Hat-Ronaldo Gouws), Blade Nzimande (the bluntest tool in the toolbox -David Bullard), Minister of Higher Education, Minister Naledi Pandor of Foreign Affairs (Lumpen Proletariat-De Ruyter again?), Fikile Mbalula, ANC Secretary General (Mr Fix it-his own words), and others in sombre mood.

The nation’s Finance Minister (Another Hat) clocked in. His prudence knows no bounds; stock phrases (not budgeted for/where do we get the money for that?) are trotted out at any suggestion of expenditure he does not approve. Democracy at its finest.

 The transport minister looked at her most charming; nicknamed ‘Pothole’ -she is more often known as ‘Nursey, Nursey,’ for she majored in first aid.

        ‘Welcome, I call you to order.’ Buffalo quickly into his stride, ‘may God bless our beautiful land and all it’s wonderful people.’

       ‘That’s so yesterday- that quote was for Covid family meetings’ Mr Fix it’ interjected, ‘your cabinet is here to discuss SONA.’

       ‘Your point of order accepted- my mind was on other things-no absentees?’ Buffalo deftly side-stepping, as Buffaloes tend to do.

‘The Minister of Defence for one’. Mr Fix loathes the current incumbent.

 ‘Your point of order accepted-she phoned me a short time ago from False Bay; fetchingly dressed in scuba gear, she hunts for that lost submarine. Pity, I presented a couple of stuffed pillows to the vessel -rather natty- monogrammed too. If it’s lost, we’ll only have two left’ Charming.

‘One sub actually,’ Blade interjected ‘we donated one to Vladimir; the ‘Lady R’ towed it away; those asshole Americans suspected something fishy.

         ‘Well, whatever, it was pretty shagged out anyway.’ Buffalo, greasing the meeting along.

‘Pass the Kentucky’ Greedy leapt into action, ‘perfectly famished-been up all night installing my sona-sorry solar…one never knows one’s solar from one’s sonar these days-isn’t sonar installed in submarines, to stop them from bashing into things?’

 Astutely, Blade cuttingly remarked ‘Seems as though the vessel’s skipper had the same problem’

        ‘You’re such a fucking wit, Blade’. Twat adjusted his headgear, ‘After you with the Kentucky, Greedy’

        ‘Boys, boys…please’ Nursey stepped into the breach, as if in the natal ward ‘get back into line- Buffalo is getting pissed off.’

        ‘Yes, I concur’ said Lumpen, ‘we must always act in the interests of our proletariat, lumpen or not.’

        ‘Kentucky Fried is finished-can we send for more?’ Greedy in his finest hour.

         ‘Not in the budget- the Kentucky bucket deal is way too expensive, but I could make a plan for a few drumsticks and a spoon or two of coleslaw,’ the Other Hat, keen to assist.

‘Perhaps we should buy a Franchise…just for us?’ Nursey chipped in ‘I mean…”

        ‘I’ve already got forty’ Buffalo. ‘Maybe forty-two. Now, on a point of order, let’s get to business. SONA-points for inclusion in this year’s speech. Remember, I give our Party six months to clean up our act.”

        Silence.

‘OK, let me kick this off. Remember, as I said, we need to see the positives of loadshedding.  Let’s have some other stuff to gladden voter’s hearts.’

        ‘On a point of order, Chair, I have some stats that will go the course,’ Nursey soothing Buffalo’s brow. ‘As you know, we reported that there were 42653 traffic lights in the country, of which 26321 were not working, or 63%. This year we have 31 564 traffic lights, and only 10683 were not working, 33% in fact, the percentage unserviceable reduced by 30 %.’

       ‘Great stuff, that’s what I like to hear-what happened to about 10 000 lights?’ Buffalo, never missing the obvious.

       ‘Yes, easily explainable, Chair, 10 000 written off, stolen, or demolished by the proletariat… just quote the percentages- they stand up to scrutiny’

       ‘Absolutely- next? Lumpen?’

‘FUCKRR’ Greedy again, ‘I’ve just spilled a whole tub of coleslaw onto my lap.’ Mantashe grinding gnashers.

        ‘Another good point, I’ll include that in the Challenge part of my report. Thanks Greed’s’- Lumpen-speak to me.’

        ‘On point of order, Chair, thank you. I’m happy to report that relations with Russia have improved…”

         ‘How did that come about?’ Fix-it this time.

‘Well at their recent Ambassadorial cocktail party, a senior member of Vlad’s delegation, who was as trashed as a Siberian train driver asked to see my what not.”

        ‘And pray, what was your response?’

        ‘On point of order, Chair, I’d rather not go there’

        ‘Fucking right, I definitely wouldn’t!’ Fix-It’s finest hour.

        ‘On point of order, Chair, sounds like gender-based violence, we’ll have to arrest him’- Twat this time, ‘an unusual case. You know I’ve arrested on the beaches; I’ve arrested in the fields; I’ve arrested on the landing grounds, in the shops, in the streets -I’ll never surrender. An arrest in a Consulate, something new’

‘Thank you, Twat, good reading when I touch on the law-and-order thingy.”

        ‘On a point of order Chair,’ Twat continued, ‘I’ve decided to form a select team to look after tourists. ‘Attacks on them are on the increase.’

        ‘No budget for it…Police funds are exhausted-no cash to buy uniforms.’ Moneybags Hat.

‘Call on Black Rod- she does fuck all, except mooching around getting pinted in the Parliamentary pub-she’ll lick those thugs into shape. You saw how she chased Malema; she whipped the overalls off him.’ Blade- shovel sharp.

        ‘Perfect, topping idea, a good whipping concentrates the mind’ said Lumpen, infused with enthusiasm, then a cough ‘Mind you, I am speaking not from experience- purely an observation.’

 Buffalo could see that his troops were flagging. It was time to call it a day.

        ‘On point of order, I appreciate deeply your contributions. You demonstrated again the fortitude, the innovation, the positivity that our country needs. The nation deserves to be led by political leaders such as you. I think we should wind this up- I’m now so looking forward to SOLAR. Thank you, one and all, thank you. ‘Buffalo basking in glory.

        ‘And on that note, anyone for tennis?’

        I report my observations as true. This charade is brought to you by the fly on the hat. (Of the Twat).

        Now…there’s a thing.

FROM SOUP TO NUTS – Available Now

Description
A lifetime in a book … from schooling in Rhodesia to fighting as the country’s longest serving Fire – Force Commander during the bush-war of the 1970’s
Nigel Henson was born in Bulawayo, Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) in 1946, and educated at Plumtree School. He was awarded the Sword of Honour at the School of Infantry and was commissioned into the Rhodesian Light Infantry, serving as a troop commander in the Bush War of the 1970s.He moved to the Middle East to join the Sultan of Oman’s Armed Forces as a company commander in Dhofar in1968/9 at the age of 21, before returning to the RLI as a training officer, rising to staff officer in army headquarters.
In May 1977, Major Nigel Henson took command of the Support Commando engaged in Fire-Force operations, most of which he commanded from the air and involved parachuting into Mozambique and Zambia.
In early 1980, Henson, along with other officers and soldiers, was decorated at Army Headquarters Salisbury after the Commonwealth Monitoring Force had arrived. Now retired, Nigel lives in Gauteng. He relishes his fly-fishing, his lovof fine whiskeys, and the occasional poor game of golf.
 
‘‘…Major Henson has acted as the airborne controller and has been subjected to considerable ground fire from the enemy. In spite of this, Major Henson’s tactical handling of his troops
on the ground, and his determined leadership have been of the highest order…’’ – Legion of Merit: Military” (OLM) awarded at Special Awards Ceremony: April 1980

source:NOW HERE’S a THING: EP 2: SONA – Africa Unauthorised

Natalie